(I decided it was finally time to start blogging again, so you're going to start being bombarded with a few journal posts I've been mulling over for quite a while. This is a good place to start.)
Who am I? What is my purpose for existence? I'm sure we've all thought this as we've matured. But those of us who are older (30s) and single sometimes have a harder time finding our places in the world.
Since I was little I've dreamed of being a wife and mom (and teacher, which I am), but when you find those roles in life unfulfilled you start to question everything. It's easy to think you don't matter since there's no one special that would truly miss you if you were gone. You start to think maybe you aren't smart enough or attractive enough or put-together enough or there's something wrong with you. Who am I? What is my identity?
I am a church pianist. I was at my parents' church from age 13-22. But when I moved away they found someone to replace me. I eventually found a niche in Lafayette, but even then there were times when it seemed that if I stepped away from it no one would miss me. What am I wanting? I'm wanting to feel needed. This is not who I am.
I am a sibling. My sister & brother found spouses and are now parenting, and, sure, it's great to be an Aunt, but I'm not necessarily NEEDED in their lives. This is not who I am.
I am a piano teacher. I love my students and I think some of them love me, but if I moved away from the area they could find another teacher. I'm not NEEDED. This is not who I am.
I am a daughter. But I live 10 hours from my parents, so they are able to manage on their own without me (at least for now!) just fine. This is not who I am.
So who am I? Does God have a role for me? I can share this now because I've struggled through it, and have come to the realization that I AM needed. No, God Himself doesn't NEED me, but He wants me. He has created me and put me on this earth for a special reason. I have a role to fulfill; I am an instrument in His hands. Just as a composer orchestrates a piece of music and hands out the different sections, God has assigned me a part to play. If He has assigned me the percussion role, I don't have to know what the trumpets are playing at all times. I don't have to know why the flutes or violins play and I don't. I just have to do what He has assigned me to do.
"My role is not to question why, it's but to do or die." I just need to do whatever it is He has made me for. My role is to love others, be a help to those around me, do my job to the best of my ability, and be a witness to Christ's name so they can see Jesus in me. "For such a time as this." I am a believer and therefore a child of God. That's who I am.